either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
