Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize