Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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