Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
That was before I lit my hair on fire
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
