After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
