I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I am one with the molecules
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
