she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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