drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize