If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Found your dick twin last night
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
