my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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