You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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