if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Randomize
