Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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