mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
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