your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
