I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
