Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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