it wasn't lemon gatorade
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
