I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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