I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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