my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
