I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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