You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
