So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
