the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
don't judge my taste in strippers
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
