need another drink. this is the easiest way
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Randomize
