My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
be right there i have to get my cape
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
