Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
