I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He shit in the fireplace
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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