We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
no more duck duck goose at the bar
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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