I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
