Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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