i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
NoShamevember. You game?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
