And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Randomize