I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
