you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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