I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
