I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
