I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
