Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
