when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
