Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
So gin and wine won't be happening again
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I need to calm my uterus...
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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