she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
