So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
