is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
