im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
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