I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
whose parrot is this?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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