I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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