don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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