Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
