He is such a slut. More and more my type.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
