Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
