I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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