Someone shit on the floor
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
