So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I stole a fireplace last night.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize