pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
