I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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