shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
